Untitled

The title of this post is Untitled.

The title of a book is suppose to be a word or phrase that sums everything up in a nutshell. I literally have been sitting here for the past hour trying to find the perfect word for this way-too-complicated post.

If I could fit these past four years into a book, you would have to wait until I am 80 years old to read the first chapter. Why? Because I would not know where to begin. I would not know how to begin. I would not know how to put such rushed emotions into words. This is what they call writer's block.

Maybe I could start with a list of characters. Main characters, minor characters, the antagonists, the one character is always there just because. But then the question is, who will these people be? How can I say, you are a main character, and you... not so much. How can I distinguish who made the biggest impact on my life. Would it be the main characters who has been by my side at every step of the way? Would it be the minor characters who never make it to center stage but without them, the story would generic and predictable? Would it be the antagonist, the villain, that had the greatest influence of them all? Who am I to say, you were important and you were not. Who am I to decide who enters and leaves my story?

Maybe I could start with the moment that my life changed forever. But isn't that just every moment? Every smile, every laugh, every conversation... ever tear, every heart break, and every struggle, aren't they all moments that have changed my life forever. If I never cried, would I be stronger? If I never had to let go, would I know what it means to be independent. If I never struggled, would I truly know success? If we never fought and got mad for the stupidest things, would we know how to cherish an intimate relationship? There is no one moment that defines a person. A person is ever-changing. It is every moment, every challenged faced, that refines a person every day. I am not the same person as I was yesterday. Today, is a culmination of yesterday. Tomorrow I will be a little more wise, a little more scared, and hopefully a little more prepared.

Maybe I could start at the end. I can tell you where I am now. I can tell you what kind of person I am and who in my life has influenced me to be this way. I can start with today and retell the story backwards. I can tell you the result, then show you the process. I can show you my scars and tell you how I got them and why they will never heal or go away.

Or maybe, I can just wait. My story is not yet finished and I am 18 years too late to start from the very beginning. I cannot tell you where it all began. I do not remember. I cannot tell you who was most important. There are too many. I cannot tell you my ending, because every day that I wake up, is a new beginning, a new story to tell, and a new challenge to face. I cannot tell you what the title will be, because the best stories can't be completely capture in just one word.

-Charlie