Retreat: So Let the Waters Rise

This past weekend, my fellowship went on a retreat and for those of you who do not know, retreats are extremely stressful for me. God never ceases to open the doors to a retreat when I am the most stubborn and unwilling to submit. Prior to the retreat, I was exhausted from trying so hard to do things on my own. I was so spiritually drained and exhausted from this vicious cycle of pushing God away and at the same time, asking why he felt so far from me.

A few days before the retreat, I had a rare opportunity to spend an hour alone. I had time before a meeting so I decided to put my on earphones and just walk. I remember trying to not think about anything and to just mindlessly moved. I was scared to go to God and I was stubborn in my own emotions. I was reluctant. I knew that the moment I submit myself, things were only going to get harder. But I also knew that being complacent and unmoved was where Satan wanted me. Soon after, I felt nothing at all. I was mindlessly just...there... 

In hindsight, I think I was scared. Christ calls us to carry the cross everyday and be changed everyday by his Word. He calls us to be ambassadors, and to go be the salt and light of the world. THAT... is not an easy thing to do. That requires energy and time and strength that I knew I did not have and I did not trust God to provide strength and energy for such a broken person like me. I was not ready to be tired; I was not ready to be stressed; I was already exhausted and I was scared to step off the boat into the raging sea as Peter did. I was afraid to struggle even more. I wanted rest and peace but I sought only temporary solutions to this problem. 

For the week leading up the retreat, there was one song that kept coming up. The chorus on this song goes like this: 

There's a raging sea right in front of me

Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees

So let the waters rise if You want them to
I will follow You. I will follow You

- Let the Waters Rise (Mikeschair)

On the second day of the retreat, my fellowship decides to go to the beach. Being me childish and unsafe, I decide to see how far I could go into the water. At one point, I underestimated how strong the waves were and next thing I knew, I fell into the water and it felt as if I was about to get swept away. It was probably not as dramatic as you could imagine it to be but it was still an experience. I was reminded of the song.

At the end of the retreat, we had this thing called a silent retreat where for two hours, we split off and had alone time to do devotions, to pray, or to even be still before God. Before this, I had stopped doing devos and studying the Bible. So during silent retreat,  I turned to the page that I had bookmarked last and this is what it said: 

"Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sick in the miry depths, where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God." 

-Psalm 69:1-3 

It was not just a coincidence. From the lyrics of the song, to this specific Bible verse, to physically almost getting swept away by the waves... Even while I was pushing Him away, he continued to show me himself. I am weak and broken, but God only uses an army of wounded soldiers. I was childish and stubborn, but God never turned away. He could have, in fact, why he kept showing his grace is beyond my understanding. I am so small; I am so small compared to his power and might but he chose to come down and share in our hurt and brokenness. He chose to give us so many chances that we do not deserve.  

But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” 

“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” 

“Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.

 - Matthew 14:27-29

-Charlie