Dear 204

This was one of our first pictures as an apartment...

(picture not taken in our apartment)

Graduation is just around the corner, which means a time of transition is upon us. Looking back at these last four years of college, three people come to mind when I think about those I will miss most,  those who have taught me most, and those I have learned to love most. Lucky for me, they are also the people I had the privilege of living with for the past two years. Within the thin four walls of 204, I have made the best of friends, bought and received way too many matching things, and learned the most valuable of lessons. They have taught me so much about who I am and for that I am grateful.


So here is a tribute to my apartment-mates that have stuck with me for the past three-ish-four years. 

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Dear Miss-I-Have-A-Dark-Soul, 

Thank you for all meaningful conversations we've had over these two years. You took none of my BS and was never shy to speak your mind. You taught me what it means to have faith even when it doesn't make sense. You taught me that it was okay to not have all the answers and that sometimes having the answer was not the point. Thank you for being understanding, but never too understanding. Thank you for telling me to stop being so dramatic. Thank you for not judging me when I say "hi" or "good morning" or "how's your day" even though I know you just woke up. I still get nervous knocking on your door to see if you want food because I still can't read your face. Lucky me, I get a whole other year to live with you, bother you, and see you grow in the way that you love and serve God. I don't expect to have all the answers at the end of the day but I am thankful to have someone to talk through them with me. What I know for sure though, is how much of a blessing you are in my life. You remind me many times a day how inadequate of an older sister I am (lol), but nonetheless how much more I have to learn to love. While I have very little offer, it is my hope that everything I do have to share with you will only be the truth that is from God and His Word. Here's to another crazy year of living together and Charlie-esk shenanigans... OH AND SETTLERS! =) 

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<--This was our first retreat picture.  Notice what everyone is wearing...

This is some retreat picture in-between...-->

<-- This is our last retreat photo together. Notice that 3/4 of us are wearing the same thing... as... #collegelife #whyfixsomethingthataintbroke








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Dear Best Friend,

Patpat! Oh how I have taken for granted your presence in my life. Let me be dramatic for a second. I am going to miss you soooo much! Living and breathing and eating together is literally the epitome of our friendship. Watching you live life these past three years has truly been a testament of God working in you. Your love for people and your genuine care for those who are in need is crazy. You have really taken to heart the command to love God and love others. In your imperfect way of doing that, you have also grown in confidence and found your strength in God. How we are friends to this day is still beyond me. Thank you for being literally everything I am not and giving balance to my life. Thank you for always pushing me to love others and walk this earth with hands ready to give. Thank you for being a constant reminder that God is the one who makes things beautiful and good. Thank you for your testimony of obedience to a God who has nothing but good plans in stored for you. As you go on and continue your life in SF, please come back to eat with me and be a shoulder to lean on. OKAY BYE FOREVER! JK my life would be a mess without you and Jesus.
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Throwback to when we did a food tour in SF and had like 8 meals in one day...

   

                                                ^Squat and read                   ^When random things remind                                                                                                                                                   us of each other 

This is just a cute picture of us together =) 

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Dear Roomie, 

There are not enough words in the world to express how much I love you and how grateful I am that God had in his plan for us to live and room together for the past three years. From the first secret sister to creepy unicorns, your hilarious nail video to late night McDonald's run, sweet potato or regular potato fries to late night pillow talks about creepy things in the dark, pouring our (my) soul out to you randomly in our tetris arranged room, my mind literally cannot handle going down memory lane. While I know that neither of us are leaving the Berkeley area, there is a sense though that 204 and my life will not be the same without coming home to a room filled of people who want to talk to you and fighting everyone to just have 2 seconds of your time before you fell asleep. Thank you for keeping me accountable all these years as we served alongside each other. I have definitely taken for granted how easy it is for the two of us to work together to get something done when we share a space. The way you serve the fellowship, especially the girls of the fellowship is something that I have always admired. There are days that I am sure you are exhausted and stressed out about many things but you never cease to let that stop you from loving on and pouring into the fellowship. There are night that I remember just watching to make sure you are breathing only to hear your snore really loud and out of fear I got you a salt lamp LOL. Those are also the days that I think..."dang, what would crossroads, CFC, my own college experience, be without Esther?" And I would just be at a lost for words. The amount of work you put into the things you love is not humanly possible... and that is why I know that above all else, you love God. Over the pass three years I have seen how God has challenged you and spoke truth into your life. He has taught you not to rely on your own strength by bring you through cycles of physical weakness. He he has taught you humility throughout the many times that you learned to receive love and be served by those in your community who love you. He has taught you persistence by placing some of the most challenging and crazy scenarios in your life to see if you will trust Him and continue to obey His command to love even when it doesn't make sense to. I got the privilege of what I imagine to be front row seats to God wrecking your life and making you all the more .... (i want to use the word beautiful here but that seems weird)... all the more whole, precious, full of His glory, and in God's eyes, a child He delights in. There are many more things I can say but think that no two words have ever felt are more appropriate and heavy. So Esther, thank you. Thank you for the past four years of crazy shenanigans and thank God that His plans for us are not yet over. If I have ever met anyone that I thought would change the world, you are on the top of that list. God is going to use you in some crazy way and I am honored to have had this short opportunity to witness and testify that truly God has got you through it all. 

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Dear God, 

If you had told me the day that I got into Berkeley that I would spend three years living in a space where I will not be the only one calling it home, I would have no idea what you were talking about. If you told me I would see my best friend get baptized and cry like a baby, I would not believe you. If you told me I would relearn again how to love as a sister would to her younger siblings, I would laugh. I already got two. If you told me the person I would trust and enjoying serving alongside the most will be my roommate, I would have thought you were kidding. You brought together four very different people into one space and taught us what it meant to called each other sisters in Christ. You brought two very different person and taught them what imperfect love is what perfect love you offer. You brought two seemingly strong people to our knees as we learned to find strength in you for your kingdom work. You brought two deeply confused and doubtful people together to struggle and testify to each other the truth that is in your Word. You taught this apartment what it means to be hospitable, to use the space given to us as a way to serve our fellowship. You taught us the joy of reconciliation. You taught us what it means to love. God you taught us to live together in harmony, seeking the best for each other in all that we do. You taught us to be vulnerable, how to spur each other on when life got tough. You taught us how to prioritize and keep our gaze fixed on your commands to love you with all our heart, soul, and mind and love others as you did. Thank you God for these amazing sisters in my life, these sisters that I have had and will continue to have the privilege of living with, growing with, and rejoicing with. I pray that as we depart from what we have now grown comfortable to, you will continue to use our lives for your glory sake no matter where you will bring us. I pray that the things we have learned here, in the four walls of 204, will never be forgotten. I pray that we will continue to obey and bless the people around us with what you have given us. I pray that we will always remember the work that you have done in making something so beautiful from four very lost and broken people. I pray God, that we would see in each other the work of your provision and craftsmenship. While everything else in our lives will be changing, God you are constant.You know what is good for us before we could even comprehend your work. You have been faithful to this apartment despite our lack of faith. You were working something amazing before we could even recognize glory in each other. Thank you God, for taking care of 204. Thank you God, for bringing 204 together. Thank you God for using 204 in this smallest and humble way for your kingdom sake. Thank you God making something beautiful out of the lost and wounded. Thank you, God for 204. 

Not bye forever but bye for now. Maybe we will find each other again at a different crossroads... 

Until next time, 

Charlie 

A Time to Mourn

There is a hope that’s waiting for you in the dark… ( Scars to Your Beautiful was on our repertoire) 

Before going to Hong Kong with CTI, Hong Kong meant my grandparents. I was reminded frequently that I did not go back to visit often enough. Growing up, I always made an excuse to not go back. In reflection, this was because growing up, Hong Kong also reminded me of death. My most vivid memories of Hong Kong were always of death or sickness or the reality that someone is nearing the end of their life. It scared me. This also led me to choosing not to engage and not to invest in my family overseas. This fear kept me from sharing with them the most important thing in my life—the reality of God and the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Many of you know that three weeks before starting CTI, I went to Hong Kong to mourn the death of my great-grandmother. There I saw not only the pain and sorrow that comes with death, but also the desperation to preserve life. Every ritual addressed a fear of the unknown. I had the opportunity to talk with my grandpa and he explained to me how meticulous and how exact everything had to be in order to keep our family in good fortune. Our conversation then transitioned to him telling me about his preparation for his own death. At that moment, I was taken back by how sober-minded my grandpa was in talking about his own death and funeral. At the same moment, my heart also broke because he truly believes that his preparations were enough. In the face of death, I found myself again scared and unable to speak. The truth that I know would only bring him back to face the reality that he thought he overcame himself.

Truly for these three weeks, I learned to mourn and see death face-to-face. But God is faithful and brought light into the darkness. When I first found out I was placed in Hong Kong, I did not know what to expect. Hong Kong was not familiar enough to call home but it was not foreign enough to feel alienated. I struggled to find my place as I oscillated between these two realities. Hong Kong was not my home, but I have family in Hong Kong. On paper, it said that our team would be partnering with Youth for Christ, Hong Kong but like most of my expectations, I was surprised to find out that our main audience would be the elderly. Looking back, it was not a coincidence that my team and I had the opportunity to serve the elderly people of Hong Kong. I had spent a big portion of my life scared of proclaiming the Gospel of Jesus Christ to the family I knew in Hong Kong, and now God had placed me in a position to proclaim boldly this truth to complete strangers every day, multiple times a day. Every day that I looked out into the audience and saw the older grannies and grandpas, I could not help but think of my own family in Hong Kong. I would tell them stories and jokes in broken Cantonese the same way that I tried to speak with my grandparents. I would play for these grannies and grandpas and be reminded that my own grandparents have never heard me play guitar before. I had grown to love these grannies and grandpas like my own grandparents. The only difference was that I had the courage to also share with them the message of Jesus Christ.  

But God is faithful and gracious beyond my understanding and made a way for my grandparents to come see me play and testify. They had come from another part of Hong Kong to where I was playing one afternoon and for the first time, they saw me play. But more so, this was the first time they heard me share the single most important thing I could offer them—the Gospel. I looked into the crowd and my grandparents were sitting among the other elderly, listening to the same message, and hearing the same testimony that God is real and that He is the only way to life. On that day, God gave me the boldness to share the truth and it is my hope that seeds were sown that day, in family and strangers alike.

I left Hong Kong hopeful and confident that God will continue to work and transform lives. For the first time, I left Hong Kong at peace and no longer scared of death, because the reality is that HE HAS WON! (This song was also on our rep: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kr1OfNUOFPE)  While we were broken and lost and looking for our own way out of whatever darkness, God had the ultimate plan to save. He sent Christ down in the form of man to suffer and be with his people. God sent His Son down to Earth to DIE! Christ died in our place and overcame what we could not. On the third day, He rose from the grave and was victorious over death. Because of this, in His name there is eternal life. There is no fear in death anymore. In the midst of darkness, Jesus came down and brought us light. In the reality of death, Jesus came down and gave us the opportunity to live. I left Hong Kong hopeful, because the God who brought the dead back to life is the same God that is working and changing lives.

Picture of my aunts, uncle, grandpa and grandma! 

Go! Tell it on the Mountain: Upraised

Hello Friends! 

I am super excited to start this new project series where I can very spontaneously and compulsively share things that get my mind cells all worked up. Unlike my other blogs, this will hopefully just be a place where I can share my awe and wonder with you all without the pressure of formalizing thoughts or spelling. The hope for this series is for it to be a place where 1) I can spill and share some of the crazies that happen in my brain and 2) for all of you to pick at my brain... literally? 

The series is called "Go! Tell it on the Mountain" because that is literally how I feel when I have these epiphanies. I just want to tell the entire world because I am super excited and this stuff will (hopefully but not literally) blow your brains out!  I cannot promise it will be short, but I can promise that I will be random and maybe tangential. ANYWAY! READY! SET! GO! Entry #1...

Upraised

The worst human condition... LONELINESS! OKAY! I know, let me explain 

1) It is not good for man to be alone- whether or not you are religious, community is sooo sooo important and plays a ginormous role in shaping who you are. 

2) It is not only a scary thing to be physically alone (like last person on the earth kind-of alone), emotionally alone (like being surrounded by many people but still feeling alone), but also spiritually alone. 

3) What does it mean to be spiritually alone? The way that I am using this phrase here is the idea of God letting human beings loose to do whatever they please... 

"Yet for all this, his anger was not turned away, his hand is still upraised"-- Isaiah 5:25 

I read this verse and here was my line of thought. 

A) <-- changing things up a bit.... 

A) Why did God keep his hands upraised? 

B) Is He getting ready to strike again? That would be scary... 

C) Phone a friend... Google... 

D) WOAH! *insert image of a person who has had enough with all the crazy shenanigans of this world (injustice, violence, destruction), putting his hands up and slowly backing away... 

E) The worst of all human conditions is not just our sinful nature and our natural compulsion to do what is destructive and evil, but when given the choice, to choose to do what is destructive and evil. The worst of all human conditions is when we are left to do what we each see fit and claim authority and control over things we do not have. The worst of all human conditions is one without a God who is Just; who is the Creator, and who is Good. The worst of all human conditions is one without God...

So when God upraised his hands and left Israel to their own ways, Israel led themselves into their own end and destruction... This is beyond scary! 

In a world that pushes people to be "individuals" and "independent", the understanding of being in community is lost. Community with others is unnecessary and being in communion with God is annoying and restricting. Being dependent is the ultimate sin and shame of our society today... 

But, it is not good for mankind to be alone... 

***Insert Tangent*** Credits to RHET 160/167

Companion: Com (With) + pan (Bread).... LITERALLY SOMEONE YOU BREAK BREAD WITH... ***Insert mind being blown***

Charlie 

Look! And You Will See (Spring 2016 Reflection)

Philippians 3:8 

What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ.

The world is an attractive place. If you imagine it being an endless buffet. You can have whatever you like whenever you like, granted you have the money to get in, in the first place. But like any buffet, you cannot have both quantity and quality. So you are left stuffing yourself with garbage food until you physically cannot move. Then you leave. Then you come back the next day, spending more money, more time, more energy to try to satisfy all of your cravings that day. Today I will have the steak; tomorrow, we go for the lobster. Next thing you know you are left trying to finish a checklist of things that will never end. The only certain thing is that if you continue on this never ending cycle, you will die... heartburn, heart attack, heart failure... it is a heart problem. My heart was so easily swayed this past semester. I wanted to do a lot of things; I sought after the good of this world. I sought out worldly comfort and worldly treasures. I wanted time and energy stuffing myself with garbage. I came out of everyday feeling shameful and disgusting. But I kept going back for more... there was no end and next thing I knew, I was seeking for the end so that I could find a purpose. But there was no end found for the endless buffet that the world offered. There was no end but the end itself.

Now imagine that you are dining at a three michelin star restaurant. Everything is beautiful. The table is set, and you are brought to your seat. The course is whatever the chef is making and you know it is going to be great. The first course comes; everything about it is decadent. The flavors all worked, everything was in harmony. It was as quality as quality can get. Then the next dish comes out, then the next, and so until until you get to the last course. Then you finish. You wait for the check but the waiter comes back and tells you the meal was on the house. Everything was paid for. You leave the place full, satisfied, and your whole understanding of food changes. As the saying goes, "you can never looks at it the same way ever again." Something changes. Everything changes.

Unlike the buffet, you can't go back to the three-michelin star restaurant whenever you want. It was a once and a life time experience. There is not enough money in the world to go back. It was finished. It was done. There is nothing better. The entire experience was something different; I did not get to order what I wanted, I trusted the palette of the chef. There was not an endless amount of food to my disposal; it was just the right amount. There was a beginning, middle, and end; it made sense. The chef was in charge the entire time and I did nothing to deserve any of the food. The chef worked and I just partook in his creation. The check was paid for by the chef himself... THAT is beyond my comprehension.

But when tomorrow comes, what will you choose? I chose to go back to the buffet. I chose to revert back to my old "eating" habits. I fought people in line for food that I knew wasn't even that good. I went back over and over again. I chose to ignore. I chose to forget. I paid for second best.  I paid for trash. I paid for things I knew will never satisfy. Little did I know that satisfaction was already attained. I was searching for something I already had.

I was greedy for more. I was discontent with the best. I wanted more even though there is nothing better. I chose to turn away from what I knew was best. I chose to run to what I knew was trash and hoped that I would find something greater there. But there is nothing the world could offer that is better than Christ himself.

I was looking to the world. I was looking for satisfaction in this world. I chose to ignore that God is good. I chose to forget the grace he has shown. I took for granted the price he paid. I looked to the world for something only God could satisfy and I was angry when the world left me shameful and disgusting.

I did not understand for the longest time why the world was so appealing to me. I never understood why I kept going back to a place that I knew offered nothing. I told myself I had a heart problem. I told myself that I could fix it if I just stopped going back to the world. Never once did I think to go get help. I thought if I just stopped, it would heal on its own and get better. Never once did I think that maybe exercising would be good. Never once did I think that I need to be healed.

The lyrics of this song struck me as so truthful to the situation that I was in. In the constant struggle between the things of this world and the plan that God has for me, I found myself asking why I desired the things of this world so much. Why was the world so appealing to me when I obviously know that God is better? Then I realized, I was looking at it wrong.

I was looking at the world and seeing it for all the potential and trash that it was. I was never satisfied but I kept searching for satisfaction. Even when I was frustrated, I questioned why it was so. Not once did I think to turn away. I looked to solutions in the world and even when I was disgusted and ashamed, I was looking at the world. Maybe tomorrow, they will have something better. What I didn't realize was that I needed to change where I was looking. Imagine again being in the three-michelin star restaurant. When you are there, nothing else compares. You forget all the garbage food from everywhere else you've been to. Everything else just doesn't matter anymore. All you see and all you experience is what is in front of you. So if I am looking and worrying about the things of this world, then that is all I get... literally... all of its trash, all of its unsatisfying-ness, everything! I get all of the garbage of the world. BUT! If I am looking at God and what he did on that cross, what he has done, is doing and will continue to do... everything else just fades. All that matters is what God is doing and how he is working. My desire would not be for the things of this world but for the things of God, his plan for me. Like lyrics say, the things of this world WILL grow strangely dim... because the focus is not on the world; our eyes are focused on our God and Savior. There is no healing that the world can offer. There is no desire that God cannot satisfy. But the question is no longer why the world is so appealing but rather... where are you looking? 

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in his wonderful face

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,

In the light of His glory and grace

Charlie